2006-02-08 - 7:07 p.m.

who knew you'd grow up like a sweet butternut squash curvy and cold held against my cheek...so close to home yet so far away. i wish you were closer but i know you need to grow up and be far away from me. but i want you closer, i want to sit and talk in the sunlight at the kitchen table. hard wood, tears and anger. i wanted you to be there with me, my warrior in life. how do we function apart? i want you to be my child always, never leave me. but i am growing up too. maybe we will not need each other one day. * i don't know what it is like to be a mother. i am scared of children, scared of what they will bring out in me. but i want the feel of a round swelling belly and mother nature stretching marks into my already marred flesh. but i would pass onto them my eczema and my mental illness and my drug addiction genes. i want it as a daydream. i would be the worst mother, i would be the horrible mother that puts her children up for adoption or never gives them the right kind of love that leaves them quietly empty all the time as an adult. but i appreciate my mother far more than anyone, i never have felt so close and loved by any person in my entire life.